I’ve started keeping notes for blog posts while I’m reading the Master Keys. My creative energies are running rampant, firing off thoughts and connections left, right and center, which set off new thoughts and connections, which lead to others, and still others, I feel like a firework! (Is this one of the side effects of changing?)
I’m getting to the point where I need to do an extra sit, but the second time work on channeling my mind and imagination into something manageable; there have been times in recent days where I couldn’t follow a thought from the beginning of a sentence to the end; I’d interrupt myself, going off on a tangent, get distracted by a new association, interrupt myself again to head off on a different tangent, then notice what I was doing and drag myself back to the original conversation, only to find I couldn’t remember what it was I had been saying. Even worse, sometimes those gymnastics have been purely mental, occurring while I was talking to someone (usually my brother Ted); I’m sure he is occasionally wondering why I seem so incoherent.
Strangely, even though my mind is definitely running faster than my mouth these days, my stutter hasn’t become a problem again.
Of course, during the sit where I’m focused on quieting all thought and this week adding physical relaxation to that, I’m having trouble keeping my body still; I keep nodding off. I sit, get comfortable, start my timer, focus on relaxing and NOT THINKING… and then start to fall asleep. As I start to fall asleep, I fall forward; my muscles automatically contract to bring me upright again… and then I have to start over, because I moved.
But what I really wanted to talk about is my DMP.
Last week I incorporated my guides’ suggestions into my first-draft DMP. I was feeling decent about what I had so far, and understood that it was only a second draft; there were going to have to be more changes. And you know, it didn’t feel right, either. Something missing, wrong focus, I couldn’t be sure – it just wasn’t right.
After the webinar on Sunday (and I am so grateful for the examples of what not-right DMPs look like, and why they aren’t right and how to potentially make them better, thank you Davene, Mark, Heather and Trish, and anyone else I might have forgotten!), I started mentally chewing on my current draft of my DMP. Not specific enough. Not enough feeling. Only one specific date, and it’s phrased wrong. And how – really, how – does it fit in with my PPNs? I can’t see either of my PPNs in my DMP the way it’s written now, and yet I know I’ve got the right ones! Well… I’m pretty sure I’ve got the right ones.
(Oh no! What if I don’t have the right PPNs? I’ll fail! I’ll put in all the work and effort and heart into it but fail anyway, ARRRRRGGGGH!!)
I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve (or – until this blog – in my writing). Never have. Displaying how I feel is a major point of vulnerability that I don’t need people using against me.
I’m a writer! I create stories that evoke emotion from people, and I’m darn good at it. My characters are real people with pasts, lives, flaws, strengths, dreams, WHY is this plan for my future so abominably difficult to write up and get right?
Besides, I haven’t chosen dates for when a lot of this is going to happen! How am I supposed to know when it’ll happen? And if I make that kind of a decision and do the work to make that date happen and it doesn’t happen even after that kind of faith and effort, what then? What if this program is all just a bunch of hooey in spite of the scientific support?!?
Deep breath. Pause. Old blueprint, I am no longer listening to you. I’m writing my DMP out the way it’s supposed to be, I’m making it come true (because I always keep my promises), and it’s going to be magnificent. And you know what? I don’t have to know the future in order to create it, and since my DMP will evolve as I do, it won’t paralyze me or lock me into stasis; when I’ve achieved the first DMP, I’ll write another. And another. And another.
So take a hike, old blueprint. Old, DEAD blueprint. Me and the subby, we got this.