Week #3 – So. Many. Thoughts.

I’ve started keeping notes for blog posts while I’m reading the Master Keys.  My creative energies are running rampant, firing off thoughts and connections left, right and center, which set off new thoughts and connections, which lead to others, and still others, I feel like a firework!  (Is this one of the side effects of changing?)

Fourth of July

 

I’m getting to the point where I need to do an extra sit, but the second time work on channeling my mind and imagination into something manageable; there have been times in recent days where I couldn’t follow a thought from the beginning of a sentence to the end; I’d interrupt myself, going off on a tangent, get distracted by a new association, interrupt myself again to head off on a different tangent, then notice what I was doing and drag myself back to the original conversation, only to find I couldn’t remember what it was I had been saying.  Even worse, sometimes those gymnastics have been purely mental, occurring while I was talking to someone (usually my brother Ted); I’m sure he is occasionally wondering why I seem so incoherent.

Strangely, even though my mind is definitely running faster than my mouth these days, my stutter hasn’t become a problem again.

Of course, during the sit where I’m focused on quieting all thought and this week adding physical relaxation to that, I’m having trouble keeping my body still; I keep nodding off.  I sit, get comfortable, start my timer, focus on relaxing and NOT THINKING… and then start to fall asleep.  As I start to fall asleep, I fall forward; my muscles automatically contract to bring me upright again… and then I have to start over, because I moved.

But what I really wanted to talk about is my DMP.

Rough draft of Shadowed Flight

This isn’t my DMP; it’s part of a novel I’m working on. This IS what a typical rough draft of mine looks like – except this one is actually a bit cleaner than most.

Last week I incorporated my guides’ suggestions into my first-draft DMP.  I was feeling decent about what I had so far, and understood that it was only a second draft; there were going to have to be more changes.  And you know, it didn’t feel right, either.  Something missing, wrong focus, I couldn’t be sure – it just wasn’t right.

After the webinar on Sunday (and I am so grateful for the examples of what not-right DMPs look like, and why they aren’t right and how to potentially make them better, thank you Davene, Mark, Heather and Trish, and anyone else I might have forgotten!), I started mentally chewing on my current draft of my DMP.  Not specific enough.  Not enough feeling.  Only one specific date, and it’s phrased wrong.  And how – really, how – does it fit in with my PPNs?  I can’t see either of my PPNs in my DMP the way it’s written now, and yet I know I’ve got the right ones!  Well… I’m pretty sure I’ve got the right ones.

(Oh no!  What if I don’t have the right PPNs?  I’ll fail!  I’ll put in all the work and effort and heart into it but fail anyway, ARRRRRGGGGH!!)

I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve (or – until this blog – in my writing).  Never have.  Displaying how I feel is a major point of vulnerability that I don’t need people using against me.

I’m a writer!  I create stories that evoke emotion from people, and I’m darn good at it.  My characters are real people with pasts, lives, flaws, strengths, dreams, WHY is this plan for my future so abominably difficult to write up and get right?

Besides, I haven’t chosen dates for when a lot of this is going to happen!  How am I supposed to know when it’ll happen?  And if I make that kind of a decision and do the work to make that date happen and it doesn’t happen even after that kind of faith and effort, what then? What if this program is all just a bunch of hooey in spite of the scientific support?!?

Deep breath.  Pause.  Old blueprint, I am no longer listening to you.  I’m writing my DMP out the way it’s supposed to be, I’m making it come true (because I always keep my promises), and it’s going to be magnificent.  And you know what?  I don’t have to know the future in order to create it, and since my DMP will evolve as I do, it won’t paralyze me or lock me into stasis; when I’ve achieved the first DMP, I’ll write another.  And another.  And another.

So take a hike, old blueprint.  Old, DEAD blueprint.  Me and the subby, we got this.

Hibiscus in bloom

Beauty in the dark, reaching for the light

12 thoughts on “Week #3 – So. Many. Thoughts.

  1. Hi Ellen,
    I’m loving reading your posts. I love that you are one of my blog sisters! What are your favourite topics that you love to write about? Your old blue print sounds just like mine. annoying (hee hee hee)
    when I read your blog you make this course sound so easy. How does your day consist ? what is your routine to doing everything that is required of us everyday? I am really finding it hard, and it takes me hours to do it all and then if I miss a day, I get overwhelmed and stressed, which I’m sure isn’t the way it’s meant to be. Take care,
    lots of love and inspiration to you, Elicia

    • Elicia – thank you so much! I love reading your posts, too, blog sister!
      Let’s see, favorite writing topics. My science fiction galaxy, first and foremost. So many planets, each with different conditions, geography, and people! I also write about neat places in the American Midwest that people might not know about (so many cool, sometimes obscure places, all of them with great stories, I’ll never be done writing about them all!).
      Oh, yes – now that I’ve become aware of it, that old blueprint is VERY annoying. I sympathize with you completely, particularly in how it seems to ambush you at inopportune moments!
      So, a typical day for me…hmm. What’s typical is that there is no typical. I have an ideal life in many ways. Jerry’s and my finances are stable enough that I haven’t needed to work in the job market since February, but I was having trouble getting things accomplished at home. Since starting the MKMMA, the alarm rings at eight. (I’m a night person, I’d rather not be up until ten, but that is one of my sacrifices to accomplishing my DMP.) So, the night before I’ve already looked at all my projects, the weather conditions for the next day, and decided what I’m going to get done. Sometimes it’s photography in the early dawn; other times I decide on writing first thing, then household chores and then photography in the afternoon/evening. Either way, first thing I do is reach over to the nightstand and grab my marked copy of Greatest Salesman before my eyes are properly opened, and wake myself up by reading the Scroll (takes ten minutes). Then I go into my office, read my index cards, DMP, and Blueprint Builder – the cats wander in and either give me a funny look for talking to myself, or they sit down and listen attentively. Then I read the lesson and do my fifteen minute sit. All told, that takes about an hour. And contrary to how it seems, there is a LOT of self-discipline involved, but you’re absolutely right; once the routine is established, it’s a lot easier to maintain. Where I have trouble is the mid-day readings; I skip lunch a lot, and often I’m actually driving from late morning to early evening. I never miss the reading, but sometimes the last two happen within four hours or so of each other. The night readings I’ve put into a routine now, too; whatever I’m doing, bedtime starts at ten. If Jerry’s still watching TV, I leave the living room and go to the office or our bedroom, write my daily journal, then do my final readings of the night and go to bed.
      That’s hard. I like my TV, I like reading recreational books before I turn out the light, and this new routine had me turned all upside down for a long while. What takes the longest now is reading and responding to blogs.
      Hang in there! Focus on baby steps, just one small thing at a time. I have reminders programmed into my phone, one each for every separate reading of every separate item. For me, that makes it something more manageable, and my got-done list looks great at the end of the day!
      And when you start feeling overwhelmed and stressed, pause. Take a breath, in through the nose and filling the deepest part of your lungs from the bottom upward, hold it for a count of three and then exhale slowly. Then remind yourself that you get to choose what emotion you attach to which event.
      Long reply, and I apologize if it’s more than you were wanting!

  2. You are indeed a good writer. A delightful one.

    The old BluePrint can bite you strongly in the butt and not even be noticed! We do create our futures all the time, don’t we?

    Didn’t Daveen say it was ok to fall asleep during the sit? I admit I don’t sit, I break the rules and lay down. It serves my purposes at the moment. I fall asleep rarely, but sometimes.

  3. Ellen,

    Such a well thought out blog (of course—you’re a writer!). You’ve really made me think. What if, what if, what if…? No. Stop. I’ve got this. Love it.

    I’ve only now gotten to your blog, and I’ve read most of them. I’m glad you’re part of my five.

  4. You are a great writer Ellen! Your experiences this week really resonate with me. I’ve had some of the same thoughts. Keep up the good work and fight through the old patterns until the new ones feel like home.

  5. “You don’t have to know the future in order to create it”. Wonderfully put. Enjoyed reading your post, as usual. This time it seems coming from a different place, deeper down somewhere ? I can be wrong. But thanks for sharing what’s going on “within” so openly.

    • You’re welcome, Erwin!
      Yes, it’s from much deeper. I was putting the best words I could find to some of what’s happening at the level of knee-jerk reaction. Being an observer inside my own head is getting interesting, to say the least! And it’s astonishing how strong that old blueprint can be, considering how much I want to be rid of it!

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