Masterkey Experience Week 3 – Ick.

I hate this. Hate it, hate it, hate it.
I’ve been through this before. I’ve failed at this point before. I’ve written my DMPs and refined them according to my guide’s suggestions, and by the time I was released on my own recognizance, the DMP I was reading was no longer ‘me.’ It wasn’t even the me I wanted to be.
It was inauthentic. So what good does it do me, to incorporate all these suggestions about phrasing and adding feeling and stupid numbers that are completely made up off the top of my head, when I can’t relate to the finished product? All I’m doing – all I ever have done, every time I’ve been through this course with a guide – is change what I’m saying to something I think will please someone who doesn’t live inside my head. And I hate it.
First, this whole thing about feeling. Intellectually, I get it. I do. I understand the relation of thought-feeling-belief. But I don’t feel. I don’t want to feel. I’m content with muted emotions. I’ve spent years suppressing them to the point where they aren’t overwhelming because I had to in order to retain some semblance of sanity. I am an empath. I have always been an empath. And the more I feel my own emotions, the more I’m assaulted by the emotions of the people around me, AND I DON’T WANT TO KNOW! I don’t want to be constantly inflicted by what others are feeling! Partly because it becomes really hard to tell what’s me versus what’s coming at me from the outside, and unless you’re an empath too you have no idea, none, what that’s like. People at work who are unhappy, stressed, amused, angry, bitter, and ALL OF IT CHANGES YOUR OWN MOOD AND EMOTIONAL STATE WHEN YOU WALK BY THEM.
Sure, sometimes it’s helpful. On a couple of occasions I was able to sense when someone else was depressed to the point of thinking about suicide and for once found the right words in the moment and got them to ease off themselves to the point where they weren’t thinking about ending their lives anymore, but that’s rare. People don’t usually react very well when someone brings up what they were thinking or feeling. They’re instantly suspicious, like I’ve been spying on them somehow because ‘empathic powers aren’t real.’
Only they are. And people aren’t wrong to be suspicious, because this ability of mine is a straight up invasion of privacy, one that I can’t help but do because you would not believe how much people radiate! It’s like that commercial where people are shouting out their internet search history, only for me it’s their feelings I hear. All. The. Time.
And you know what else? One of the things my guide said in her suggestions for my DMP was that I can’t control what others do, and to change the phrasing. Which, frankly, isn’t true at all, because if we’re putting money amounts in the DMP, those funds have to come from someone else or lots of someone elses, which means we are dictating what other people will do when we say we’re going to have X amount of money by Y date, and I hate that contradiction, I really do, most particularly since it seems I’m the only one that sees it. But it’s untrue for another reason too. My empathic gift is projective as well as receptive. So yes. I can, if and when I exert myself, make people feel what I want them to.
And I don’t want to be that kind of monster again. Even if my intentions are clean, my motives pure. Because if knowing what other people are feeling is an invasion of their privacy, how much worse is the fact that I can impose my will on theirs whenever I choose with them completely unaware of the fact? By and large people don’t notice when their bioelectric field is interacting with someone else’s, so exerting influence goes completely unnoticed. I might say it’s for their benefit, like when I exerted calm on my entire work team on a particularly bad day when everything was going wrong and people were snapping at each other and starting to escalate into saying genuinely hurtful, personal things. But it’s still me imposing my will on another, without their knowledge. A worldly tyrant can be resisted, with courage and the stubborn refusal to bow. But my gift is a sneak, insinuating itself so that my voice appears to be coming from your own heart in a way nobody can defend against, even if they were aware of what was happening.
So I can write the words, whatever words my guide says are the most effective. I can recite them three times or more a day, exactly as we’re supposed to. But actually letting myself feel? No. Feelings in my hands are weapons. And I don’t always know who they’re pointed at.

Master Key Experience Week 2 – Linking, Schminking

What to talk about, what to talk about… where did I succeed this week? Where did I struggle?
I don’t like the shapes and colors. I really don’t. But I suspect my dislike is mostly because I’m not good at it. I’m used to catching onto things quickly; I’m immensely adaptable and I learn as easily as I breathe; it’s a quality that’s stood me in good stead throughout my working career, as I moved from job to job – learning, building relationships and skill, creating a comfortable place for myself… and then growing bored and moving on to the next job, the next challenge, the next team. The only time I’ve needed more than a week to learn how to do what I was hired for was when I apprenticed as a spring winding technician.
(I still miss spring winding. I probably always will. I was happier there than I’ve ever been at any other point in my varied job history, though my present job comes reasonably close. But driving an hour or more to get to work had gotten hard on the pocketbook, and staying with my brother in the cities during the week was hard on my hubby (and our cats). So I gave it up. And part of me has always regretted that.)
T’any rate. I latch onto numbers, not shapes or colors. And although during a prior iteration of the course I was able to force myself to notice blue rectangles, that’s all they were. They didn’t mean anything.

Until this week. I was at work, setting up a run on the CNC (these days I machine plaques, letters, and signs in aluminum, bronze, brass, and some stainless steel), and I noticed the control panel. I mean, I look at them every day, multiple times a day; reading the information, the numbers on the display, interpreting them, making adjustments or assessing the condition of the metal or tools or coolant flow. But on five of the machines, the main screen on the control panel is segmented, the background colors of three of those segments – you guessed it – blue rectangles. Seeing that, and consciously noticing that not only is it a shade of blue, it’s rectangular, I suddenly realized I hadn’t said “Do it now” 25 times for the second time of the day.

I quickly rattled them off as I completed the setup and started the run, then went to the next machine. A tool needed changing, and I suddenly noticed that the cabinet we get the tools out of is a tall, free-standing rectangle bordered in blue. Within the display window, some of the tools have long and narrow blue casings; others are nestled snugly in blue envelopes a bit taller than they are wide. And I think, I need to set aside time to clean the upstairs bathrooms on Saturday. Which, you might guess, is my chore for the week.
So why is it finally working this time around?
Don’t know. Don’t really care. I just know that for the first time in six years, since my first time through the MKMMA, I’m linking properly instead of pretending to do it.
And that’s pretty darned cool.

Master Key Experience Week 1: Am I Crazy?

Oh my dear and precious gods, what was I thinking? I just changed schedules at work AGAIN so I’m already constantly tired, we’re slammed with orders so overtime is a regular occurrence, I have to put in consistent effort to getting new novelty products up for sale every single day, with Jerry still recovering from heart surgery I’m the only one keeping up on laundry and dishes and the finances, we have to get to Jerry’s cardio rehab sessions three days a week and that takes two and a half to three hours, and oh, crap, I have to make time to write a blog, WHERE ARE THE 30 HOURS MARK SAYS I’M SUPPOSED TO HAVE?!? I am crazy to think I could do this, why am I putting myself through it?!

Such was the racing of my brain on Thursday. And then an odd thing happened. From deep inside came a little voice saying, “Hold on a second. You did your morning reads, all three of them. You started moving through the last set of design uploads looking for errors, and corrected five of them. You created a new .csv to bulk upload and meet your daily goal of new designs. You read the Key. You made sure Jerry has an easy-to-reheat meal for his dinner when you’re at work, and you’re on schedule to leave at two and stop at the store to pick up salad for your work lunch. You’ve accomplished more than you think you have in the last two and a half hours.”
But I didn’t finish reviewing the last design set for errors! I silently protest. I ran out of time because I had to de-prioritize that or I wouldn’t have gotten the Master key read or Jerry taken care of or the new file prepped so those designs could upload while I’m at work…
“You don’t have to finish it all at once,” my inner voice reminded me. “You just need to do a little bit every day. It’ll be done in no time.”
And you know, inner me was right. I had accomplished a lot in a short time. And there would be time on breaks to do my midday reads, plus almost two hours after work to reconcile a month’s worth of backloaded finances, get the sit in, and do my final reads of the night before falling into bed. So why the frantic rush?
Because this is my pattern. Overwhelm myself with my to-do list until I feel justified in feeling angry and put upon, and then feel justified in doing nothing so that I can binge watch a favorite show because I have ‘no time to get anything done.’ But the truth is, there’s always time. Everyone has exactly the same number of hours, minutes, and seconds in the day, and we all fill that time, moment to moment. The only question is, what are we filling it with? Excuses and emotional justifications? Or little things, done consistently, that add up to big things over time?
Time to break the pattern of rush-rush-rush-I can’t get anything done because I haven’t the time, and replace it with, I do a little bit on the important tasks every day, and over time, everything that needs to gets done.

Including a blog post.